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There aren't many good reasons for crawling out of our south London booty bass ghetto these days, other than for the occasional bass crusade to whichever arse-end of nowhere-country that has just cottoned on to the fact that an evening of horse tranquilisers and filthy electro breaks is a welcome diversion from sweating blood in the salt mines. But Fat has always had a special place in its heart for Scotland.
Those of us who are from the home counties probably only know Scotland as the place we plan to flee to when the nuclear bomb is dropped on London. So it may surprise you to hear that, even now, people actually live there, despite the weather being bitterly miserable for 353 days of the year and the population suffering from pandemic levels of dourness.
As any proud Scotsman will tell you, if it weren't for the Scots, the world would be a less richer place: one without any macaroons, tramps or chronic heart disease. So when it comes to fighting terrorism, rather than flounce about on "orange alert", holding effeminate COBRA meetings or murdering Brazilians in cold blood like us Lily-livered Londoners, the Scots respond with good old fashioned army-style shit-kicking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCqprbH7mrg&mode=related&search
Any potential suicide bombers should perhaps take note that if they were looking for a suitable venue to detonate themselves in this Friday then Chew The Fat, happening at The End, West central Street (5 mins walk from Holborn Tube with heavy rucksack), luckily enough has a vigilante Scotsmen not only in the crowd but on the door to. So not only would you lose your place in heaven as a martyr, you would stand no chance in eradicating the risk of the world having to endure another evening of rectum-clenching bass-driven bilgecore from Chew The Fat. Sorry.
So cry "jings", "crivens", "hoots" and "help ma boab", and read on as we alienate another potential target market in the hope of eeking out a fleeting snert of amusement from you poor sods still insistent on reading the occasional spate of literary arse grapes hanging from the flatulent backfanny of the globally-despised, hastily-compiled and one and only Fatmail....
/////////////// CHEW THE FAT THIS FRIDAY - Tonight actually /////////////////////////////
As if being Scottish *and* suffering the threat of imminent death by being blown up wasn't bad enough, any Caledonian visitors to London this weekend would be well-advised heading into the Holborn area if they're looking for a bit of a knees-up. Most Scots' experience of dancing will come from the ruthless weekly discipline of ceilidh dancing: a strange primitive custom involving prancing around like a gay morris dancer to the sound of a bearded Neanderthal emanating the spunk-curdling horror of the bagpipes. But if you want to try something a bit lower down the food chain than that, then try a night at Chew The Fat it's more underground than my great great grandmother which is the way we like it.
Featuring a dazzling array of fluro try-hards and fake cigarette strap-ons, Fat really is your one-stop shop for a Friday night of utter mayhem.
CHEW THE FAT! @ THE END
Friday 13th July
THE ROGUE ELEMENT (Exceptional)
AUDIOJACK (2020 Vision/Leftroom)
BLENDE (Plasmapool/Lot49)
PAUL TROUBLE ARNOLD (Fat!)
KID BLUE (Fat!/Lot49)
In the lounge:
Fly Society present:
DUB PISTOLS (DJ Set)
JAMES HYMAN (Xfm)
LENNY BANJO STRING
LEISURE ALL STARS (Leisure Recordings)
THE FLY SOCIETY
BENNY BENCHPRESS AND THE STEROIDS (LIVE)
DJ VAGICLEAR
£12/£8 NUS; 11pm-6am
The End, 18 West Central Street, London, WC1A 1JJ
Info: 0207 924 1333 / www.thefatclub.com
Dress code: Kappa tracksuits, ginger hair and acne OK
//////////////////////// BLOOM CHEW THE FESTIVAL ///////////////////
Chew the Fat! Beats Bubble at Bloom - Friday 10th Saturday 11th, Sunday 12th August , Dyham Park, South Gloucestershire, Near Bristol.
Hearing dreadful music in a conveniently located night-club near to one's home is clearly not enough for some people. Now you can add dysentery to injury by standing in a field while idiots get played to play records at you.
Chew the Fat! day is Sat 11th with the local Samaritans on full alert.
Tayo
Sinden
Baobinga & I.D.
Unique 3
Evil 9
Paul Trouble Arnold
Kid Blue
Other guests include
Ingrid Eto
Zero 7 (instrumental project)
Coldcut
Aim
Soul to Soul
The Earlies
Crazy P
Gertrude Stymen
Heinrich Cockelhoffel
Long range plus loads more www.bloomfestival.com
www.myspace.com/bloomfestivaluk
////////////////////////////Chew the Fat! in Ibiza //////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Ibizas local have been seen running for the hills and drowning themselves every Sunday this summer as Chew The Fat's Balearic baton of bassline bludgeons the island to buggery. My advice is: come for the weather, stay for the beaches, leave swiftly when these boys get on the decks.
CHECK THIS LINK FOR MIXES AND PHOTOS AND SOON SOME VERY EXCITING LIVE FOOTAGE OF A JUGGLING DWARF PERFORMING A LEWD SEX ACT. www.last.fm/label/fat! www.welove-musc.com
For two free entries to We Love...Space - send your names on an email to
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
saying which kind of graphically lewd sex act are you prepared to perform on or near Paul Arnold to secure your prize.
Forthcoming dates
Sunday 15th July - Jem Precision Cuts & Soul of Man
Sunday 22nd July - Jem Precision Cuts, Canine Sounds & Andy D
Sunday 29th July - Paul Trouble Arnold - Unique 3 - Hannah Holland -
Check links for mixes, mishaps and listings for 'beefa here, all in large text format for drug-ravaged mongbrains. www.last.fm/label/fat
//////////////////////////Chew the Fat! at Wildchild//////////////////////////
Wildchild festival's reputation in London ranks them somewhere up near Al Qaeda and the Belgian Paedophile rings when it comes to local popularity. None of which seems to have put them off shoehorning another weekend of shameless tripe into the UK's already flatulent dance music events calendar.
Check out the extreme euphoria... when a hurricane hit London on 30th June. Failing that, you'll have to put up with seeing Chew The Fat, mixes and photos for all to see http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2942&l=080d9&id=504442840
////////////////////////////////////////Fat! Records/////////////////////////////////////////////
The Fat marketing robot would like to point out that now you can enjoy your most treasured Fat hits as ringtones, MP3 downloads or audio hallucinations piped into your nervous system by a rusty electromagnetic syringe.
Recent products include:
Dom Kane - Glitched out -
Unque 3 - The Theme - buy now and sigh later
Buy downloads: http://www.djdownload.com/fat
Buy vinyl: http://thefatclub.trinitystreetdirect.com/
Fat Records: Better than a hydrochloric acid lozenge rammed up your pooper.
///////////////////////////////////////// End The Fat /////////////////////////////
Any Scots, terrorists or po-faced breaks DJs who have been routinely insulted, and would like to get a chance to mete out physical harm on the makers of the Fatmail, please contact Paul Arnold. See you in hell.
Fat x
TO UNSUBSCRIBE, TEXT THE PHRASE GONNY NO PISH IN THE CLOSE YA MANKY SHOWER O BASTADS? TO 80210
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