Once upon a time, not so long ago, "rave" meant boshing twelve love-spreading capsules before spending eight hours cruising nightclubs for semi-conscious women to wave your semi-flaccid baby gerbil at, in the hope that you'd be invited home for a pneumatic bout of all-night sextasy to an aural backdrop of funky chillout trip-hop beats.

Nowadays, it's all graphic designers in Helvetica t-shirts with side partings getting zubizaretted on Ketamine and HC50B and waving glowsticks at indie rock bands playing facile breakneck shxtstorms on vintage synthesisers.

Is this Nu Rave that they speak of? Or is there more to it than that? And how does it differ from... old rave? Does it mean exhuming best-forgotten techno acts of the early nineties and repackaging them for the palate of the contemporary raver du jour?

If so, then Fat are well positioned, having dusted off a decade's worth of cobwebs to bring back Unique 3 from obscurity. And if you're old enough to remember when that name was big on the dance music scene, you should feel thoroughly ashamed for even thinking about going out to a nightclub again. Unless you're Unique 3 of course, and a flagging breakbeat label makes a desperate bid for survival by rehashing your back catalogue and attempting to relaunch your career as a doddering old fart reigning supreme in the breakbeat twxtosphere.

Very limited promos are currently available from www.djdownload.com/fat

More info on Unique 3 at www.myspace.com/uniquethree

Now, read on, Fat fans, for a series of paragraphs even more desperately unfunny than the ones you've just read.

////////////////////////////// Chew The Fat! @ The End ////////////////////////////////////////

When you think back at some of the other awful music of the last few decades, some of you may even remember Breakbeat, that genre which a few people were into in the late nineties. And once again Fat is flying the flag for the old skool this month, with a "back to 2004" vibe from Jay Cunningulus, who's made a career out of playing the stuff that most DJs wouldn't touch with a shxt-stained chopstick. Purveyor of the aptly named Menu Music, tonight this man will be serving up a right old greasy dog's dinner of reheated breaks, luke-warm hip hop and pxss-weak house.

Born of German/Welsh/Finnish parents, Jay changed his surname to Cunningulus by Deed Poll, having been brought up with the unfortunate family appellation of Kxntlikka, which made him an obvious target in the dormitories at prep school. Like most breakbeat DJs, however, being bullied at private school only reinforced his unremitting desire to become a reasonably well-known bit-part player on the rapidly disappearing dance music circuit. And here, now, this very Friday in 2007, that desire reaches its zenith.

Bringing up the rear are drum'n'bass rejects Aquasky, who recently contributed a coffee-table jungle opus to the new Fairy Liquid commercial.

To sum up then, this week's line-up features a Has Been, a Hooray Henry and a load of Who Are Ye's... all in one slightly disappointing evening. But never mind, if you can navigate your way through the throngs of aggressive Italian raving sex-tourists who flock into The End in their droves, you might end up finding some poor unfortunate Nu Rave casualty to have a bit of how's your father with. Frankly it's the only chance of joy you've got, at this month's...



CHEW THE FAT @ The End, London

Unique 3 - 'The Theme' Launch Party
(10pm-6am)

Main Room...
UNIQUE 3 (Fat!)
AQUASKY (Passenger/777)
DIVERTED (Air/Diverted Traffic)
JAY CUNNINGULUS (Kiss FM Breakbeat Sessions Tour)
PAUL TROUBLE ARNOLD (Fat!)
KID BLUE (Fat!/Lot49)

Lounge...Sonar Kollektiv & Warm present:
TRICKSKI (Sonar Kollektiv/MOTT - Powerhouse EP Launch party)
TOBY TOBIAS (Rekids)
WARM RESIDENTS
COLD TURKEY
HOT CXCKENDS (LIVE)
DJ PANCREAS AND MC STAMEN

£12/£8 NUS; 10pm-6am
The End, 18 West Central Street, London, WC1A 1JJ
Info: 0207 924 1333 / www.thefatclub.com

Priority tickets www.ticketweb.co.uk

//////////// Win The Fat //////////////

Get your sweaty, quivering hands on some Fat booty by helping us with a dilemma. Despite being Christened Paul Arnold, Paul Arnold just can't STAND it when he appears on flyers as DJ Paul Arnold. Imagine! It's soooo embarrassing.

So we need your help. Should Paul change stick to his real name, or change it to just Arnold? Or something else less polite. What do YOU think? It's the big question of the day, make no mistake. Email us and let us know, and one lucky little prxck selected at random will win the chance to admire Paul Arnold in person.

Should his name be:

a) Paul Arnold
b) Arnold
c) Self-regarding Pointless Cxntyballs for even asking

The decision is YOURS. Email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it and let us know how you'd settle the big issue of the day.

////////////////We Love Chew The Fat! In Ibiza////////////////

As if the beautific Balearic party island hadn't been bullyrammed enough by bonio-brained British beefheads on bad drugs, Chew The Fat guarantees at least another budget flight full of vapid cretins per week will be inflicting themselves on Ibiza as we kick off an exclusive Fat residency this summer.

Proving that the drugs which inspired the Ibiza dream really are wearing off, every Sunday in the red room at We Love Space 07 in Ibiza you can see Paul Arnold's ratty face peering over the decks locked in an expression like an adolescent boy who's just discovered the lingerie section of the Argos catalogue.

Find out more somewhere else.

////////////////////Fat! Records/////////////////////

Despite being gruesomely unfashionable and anachronistic, we're actually helping contribute a few bob to Unique 3's pension fund with a series of hastily remixed versions of that frigging tune he made in the nineties which everyone still harps on about.

Unique 3's 'The Theme' out 4th June w. remixes from The Rogue Element, Dom Kane, Merka & Rhythmatic...

Merka's 'Rising Sky' ft Heidi Levo out now - www.knowhowrecords.co.uk

////////////////////// End the Fat ////////////////////////////

One day, this will all be over, and we can all be happy again. Until then, see you next time.

Love from
The Fat Mob x

TO UNSUBSCRIBE, TAKE FIVE ESCTASY TABLETS, STAY UP ALL NIGHT, AND COME AND SEE US IN THE OFFICE THE NEXT DAY WITH THE WORD 'UNSUBSCRIBE' CRUDELY SMEARED ALL OVER YOUR TORSO IN A SMUDGE OF MUCUS, COCAINE AND BLOOD.