But who said size was everything? It's all about the wee-ness in this month's mail, with some of Europe's tiniest DJs scuttling into the DJ booth at Chew The Fat! this week, like a family of church mice.

One of whom is Tayo Popoola, the tom-thumb of dance music, the Micro-Dread himself; barely out of short trousers but with an ego large enough to feed a third world country, he'll be standing on a box and spinning some real big tunes for a real small dude. And while he may be wee, he's certainly no slouch. In a rare interview from his home in Gnome World in Essex, an unpaid Chew The Fat! intern put Tayo through his intellectual paces:

Fat! unpaid intern: If train A leaves Chicago traveling 100MPH and train B leaves New York traveling 150MPH and the distance between the two cites is 600 miles how far from New York will it be when the two trains meet?

Tayo: Who says they are going in the same direction? Ha!

Read more fudged answers to mathematical problems here:

www.thefatclub.com

But for now, read on as we struggle desperately to maintain the overall theme of smallness, with an increasingly tenuous set of puns, double entendres, and outright obscenities, all cobbled together into a perfectly formed cluster of marketing dangleberries protruding from the pert bottom of the one and only FATMAIL....

/////////// CHEW THE FAT! ///////////////

@ THE END, LONDON

Friday 14th March, 11pm - 6am

IN DA MAIN ROOM...

TAYO (www.myspace.com/djtayo3000)
HANNAH HOLLAND (Bastard Batty Bass)
MADOX (Mantra Breaks)
30Hz (Lot49)
JEM HAYNES (www.myspace.com/jemhaynes)

+ Chew The Fat! resident KID BLUE

IN DA LOUNGE - We Love... presents

SERGE SANTIAGO (Arcobaleno)
JASON BYE (We Love...)
MR DORIS (Bang Records)
TONY HAZE (We Love...)

£12/£8 NUS

The End, 18 West Central Street, London, WC1A 1JJ

Info: 0207 924 1333 / www.thefatclub.com

Tickets: www.ticketweb.co.uk

Dress code: shorts, caps, and tiny ickle dresses and shirts made for little people

March sees another top line-up as Chew The Fat! mash up the styles in the main room, while We Love... bring the Balearic vibes to the lounge once again.

TAYO - Chew The Fat! regular, Radio 1 and Kiss FM radio presenter, producer, label boss and doppelganger of Arnold from Different Strokes, Tayo is one of the smallest DJs on the planet. His Fabric mix compilation won Compilation of the Year in DJ Magazine's ‘Best of British' last year, and his potent mix of shortstep, gnomecore and midget-hop is sure to have you on your knees in vertically challenged sympathy.

HANNAH HOLLAND - Only a centimetre separates Tayo from our second guest this evening. The first lady of mashup makes her Chew The Fat! debut tonight, performing from a specially erected DJ booth in a doll's house. With new productions due out and her new record label ‘Bxstard Batty Bass' launching this year, 2008 looks like it'll be the smallest year yet for our stumpy friend.

MADOX - One of the most consistently entertaining, funky and charismatic DJs around, the Italian stallion Madox has been deported from his native Italy for failing to reach statutory EU height regulations. Smuggled into the UK in a jar of pasta sauce, he now roams the sewers of West London foraging for wool.

30Hz - Lot49 wunderkind 30Hz released his ‘Electric Sheep' album last November to critical acclaim, toured it round Australia in January but sadly got mistaken for a child and was sent off to boarding school in Tasmania.

JEM ‘STUMPY' HAYNES - Resident in the Chew The Fat! room at Space in Ibiza, he may be no bigger than a 3-year old child, but Jem's bumping mix of breaks and house is carefully crafted with his own edits and sneaky bootlegs that are created purely to get the party started. And abruptly finished again.

Not forgetting the resident, tiny and ever dependable Kid Blue in support.

WE LOVE... Legendary Ibiza crew and the people responsible for bringing the Balearic sound to London, We Love... return for their bi-monthly residency in the lounge, accompanied by a sack of dwarves who will be unleashed at the stroke of midnight to form a human pyramid on the dancefloor.

////// CHEW THE DATES /////

Saturday 15th March
Chew The Fat! in Graz, Austria
Klaus Heavyweight Hill: twenty eight stone of pure dancefloor meat shoehorns himself into the booth for another night of wibbling, whilst Kid Blue holds the half-time oranges.

////// FATSTIVALS ///////

Some of the smallest, and least significant festivals have literally begged Fat! to come and do the do in Summer 2008...

Saturday 25th May
Chew The Fat! @ SpringEight Festival, Graz, Austria
With Atomic Hooligan, Hannah Holland vs MC Chickaboo, Trevor Loveys, Kid Blue & more

Returning after a successful year last year, bringing a more varied lineup out to Graz with 'fidget house' king Trevor Loveys and first lady of Batty Bass, plus breaks stalwarts Atomic Hooligan, which might be made slightly more interesting by rivers of liquid ketamine hosed at the crowd at half-hourly intervals.

Chew The Fat! tent @ Zoo8 Festival, Lympne Park, Nr Ashford, Kent
Full lineup to be announced on Monday...
A new festival, and a line-up that will show the full diversity of the Fat! sound, running the whole gamut from funky breakbeat right the way through to slightly innocuous breakbeat and everything in between.

Info / ticket links: www.thefatclub.com

/////////////// TROUBLESTOCK! ////////////

Chew The Fat! is moving to a Wednesday in April to allow a huge fundraiser for Fat demi-god Paul Arnold, in his continuing fight against Leukemia. Rumours have already started to spread about the mass ranks of household name DJs that have been guilt-tripped into waving their exorbitant fees, to raise money for the legend that is ‘Trouble', but we're pleased to announce the line up in full for the first time.

Get your fat asses down there and show some love.

CHEW THE FAT! & THE END PRESENT TROUBLESTOCK!
Wednesday 9th April

IN DA MAIN ROOM
Plump DJs vs Stanton Warriors
Krafty Kuts vs Freestylers
Evil Nine vs Elite Force
Atomic Hooligan vs Soul Of Man
Tayo vs Baobinga
Rennie Pilgrem vs JDS
The Rogue Element vs Tom Real
Kid Blue vs Merka

AKA
James Zabiela vs Nic Fanciulli
Paul Woolford vs Yousef
The Cuban Brothers Live
Rob Da Bank vs Russ Cuban
Serge Santiago vs Heidi
Will Saul vs Jem Haynes
Phat Phil Cooper vs Mark Broadbent

THE LOUNGE
Speaker Junk vs The Count Of Monte Cristal vs Sinden
Kissy Sell Out vs The Loose Cannons
A Skillz vs Dub Pistols vs Drum Monkeys
Ali Tillett vs Diesel vs Toby Tobias

9pm-4am; Advance tickets £8/£10 on the door
Go to www.thefatclub.com from Monday for more information

////////////// FAT! IBIZA ///////////////
We've just confirmed that we will once again be dragging our sorry asses to the Red Room at We Love... Sundays @ Space in Ibiza this summer. Sixteen weeks of parties with super-resident Jem Haynes and regular guests. More info to come...

/////// FAT! RECORDS RETURNS /////////

BAOBINGA & ID PRESENT - BIG MONSTER

Releasing this record last year was too much for our previous distributor, who decided to go bust rather than lower themselves to new depths.

But somehow we've convinced Kudos Distribution to give us a deal instead, so there's no getting away from it. This deluxe CD / Download is available 17th March.

More albums will be out later in the year, including a new Hip Hop project ‘In Heavy Weather' out in April from Merka and MC Esha under the pseudonym ‘Mystic Man & Eshamanjaro'. Plus a dubstep reinterpretation of Nepalese Throat Pipe classics such as ‘Ashanti-Bubba Chango' and ‘Sherpa Shxtbone'. Don't miss out.

//////// END THE FAT //////////

We may be small men, but our hearts are big.

See you at the child's urinal

The Fat! Mob
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