Love is in the air this week at Fat. Valentine's Day is a time of year when all the hatred and bile we normally pump out simply evaporates, and our heads get filled with all kinds of romantic notions. In fact the love has been so strong lately, that only this lunchtime we were forced to change our pants and put our balls on ice. And with February 14th just around the corner, it's becoming increasingly difficult not to spend your waking days looking forward to the big night in a blissful state of mental abandon, idly daydreaming of your loved one's naughty bits wrapped round your face as you lap away like a dehydrated beagle.

Or perhaps you are ready for some lovin' but don't have ownership of your own reciprocative human love-object? Don't despair! On the 14th, simply grease yourself up, pepper yourself with pheromones and lurk sinisterly outside the house of your prospective lover wearing nothing but a soiled mackintosh and a slightly disturbing leer on your face. They'll be so shocked by the combination of fear and strong cologne that they'll no doubt be like putty in your arms.

And if that doesn't work, or you can't wait that long, you can always make your way down to Chew The Fat! this Friday: where the beer is expensive and the music dreadful, but the love flows freely like a highly contagious genital infection.

Read on for a whole lot of lovin', but a terrible lack of anything amusing or interesting, in the latest, and possibly shortest installment of the long-running music industry blusterfxck that insists on calling itself... the FATMAIL!


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50 Cent's a man who likes a whole lot of loving, especially if he has to get it by force. So we're sure he'd approve of the authentic atmosphere of a Geneva sex-shop that we've recreated at Soho's popular The End nightclub, where we continue to hold a monthly residency. Every second Friday of the month, some of the most lecherous men in Europe congregate within the hallowed walls of this popular Soho nightclub on the pretence of listening to music, when really all they're after is a sweaty spit'n'polish behind one of the club's louche post-modern sofas.

Soundtracking the love action this month are some of the world's most unloved DJs, who'll be trying to compensate for their unpopularity by playing a selection of music that's wholly conducive to surrepetitious sex crimes on the dancefloor.

DUKE DUMONT - One of the most exciting new producers to emerge from the UK in 2007, Duke has set the world alight with his EPs for Tiga's Turbo label and tracks such as the awesome 'Lean and Bounce', which was recently used as the soundtrack for the UK's Testicular Gymnastic Squad in the warm-up to their 2007 World Cup campaign.

DOPAMINE - Quite possibly Australia's most successful dance music export, Dopamine has made waves in both the breakbeat and electro house scenes. His debut single 'Hold You' won single of the year at Breakspoll 2006, and led to literally three more people buying a copy of the record, and winning him an Outstanding Bloody Achievement to Culture award in the Australian New Year's Honours List.

MILES DYSON - The techno producer every breaks DJ loves, Miles Dyson has become a name to watch over the past six months, turning in awesome remixes of 30Hz, Jude Sebastian and Signal Drivers, as well as collaborations with Blende on his own Plasmapool label. Making a rare London appearance tonight before starting his first tour of Soho, this is one German who can't keep his wiener in his lederhosen for long.

CANINESOUNDS - Making their name via their much-respected show on Brighton's Passion FM, Caninesounds have recently signed up to Spinout Records, remixing Lutzenkirchen's 'Back In Time' as well as performing a live cover version of the 'Wacaday Anthem' from the popular 1980s children's breakfast show The Wide Awake Club, whilst assaulting the audience with a foam truncheon.

Not forgetting resident Kid Blue in support, loved up to the very gills, playing his usual mix of breaks, house, funky techno and making suggestive hand gestures at any vaguely attractive ladies within sight.

ISSST - being named as 'the modern kings of acid house' by The Guardian is like having your Dad turn up to a house party and start dancing badly and telling your friends he thinks the music's "got a good beat". But Issst residents Kevin Griffiths and Bobby M are shamelessly building a career off the back of this endorsement nontheless, and are joined this month by the similarly deluded Leftroom head honcho Matt Tolfrey.

Yes, that's...

CHEW THE FAT!

@ THE END, LONDON

Friday 8th February, 11pm - 6am

For a pre-Valentines sex rave

And just to recap, in case you shxt yourself with glee and lost your concentration, the line-up this week is:

IN DA MAIN ROOM...

DUKE DUMONT (Turbo/Dubsided)

DOPAMINE (Title Fight)

MILES DYSON (Plasmapool)
CANINE SOUNDS (Spinout/Passion FM)

+ Chew The Fat! resident KID BLUE

IN DA LOUNGE - Issst presents...

MATT TOLFREY (Leftroom)

KEVIN GRIFFITHS (Tsuba/Issst)

BOBBY M (Issst/Slaang)

PLUS LIVE PAS FROM: JIMMY CLxT, LABIA SIFFREY, DJ ROHYPNOL FEAT MC GHB, AND A SACK OF COPULATING SEX-DWARVES SINGING A HOST OF BARBERSHOP QUINTET CLASSICS

£12/£8 NUS; 11pm-6am

The End, 18 West Central Street, London, WC1A 1JJ

Info: 0207 924 1333 / www.thefatclub.com

BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.ticketweb.co.uk

Dress code: Trainers OK, cxckrings ignored, strap-ons positively encouraged.


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/////////////// END THE FAT //////////////////

We hope we've got you juiced up for some sweet, sweet loving over the next week. Just a word of warning: if you are planning on playing the ukelele of lust for an extended period of time, please do take care of those banjo strings.

Love

FAT! x

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