Since we're never likely to win any awards for anything else, this week Fat launches its bid to become Britain's greenest record label. Top of the priority list was the pledge of a 85% cut in Paul Arnold's emissions by 2012. Although optimistic, Arnold also promised to cut down on the release of toxic music-related drivel by 50% over the next 5 years. Fortunately Fat have been highly prolific at recycling in recent times, releasing records by people who disappeared into the shxtstorm of forgettability many years previously, and endlessly booking the type of DJs who are about as exciting and innovative as a used carrier bag. From LIDL.

One of the other principles of greener living is to cut down on wastage and unnecessary journeys. That's where you come in. Just because we're putting on club nights and releasing records, it doesn't mean you have to be self-indulgent enough to actually buy or attend them. In fact, if you were thinking of heading out to tonight's event at The End, our advice is PLEASE don't. You'll save on transport emissions, reduce energy used in lighting and packaging, and save yourself the abject misery of bobbing about limply like a flaccid penxs on a kxtamine-ravaged dancefloor trying weakly to persuade yourself that the corruscatingly awful noise you are dancing to is allowing you to transcend the misery of everyday life. And in doing so, you'll save a whale's life.

So now that that's settled, it's time to slip on your hemp moccasins, light a taper and prepare yourself a glass of homebrewed carrot beer in a recycled baked bean tin as we dole out reams of shamelessly recycled jokes, bagged up and ready to add to the landfill of shxte already stockpiled in the name of... (the new environmentally friendly) FATMAIL!

/////////////// THIS WEEK AT THE ALL NEW GREENER CHEW THE FAT //////////

Tonight's shindig is a bittersweet occasion, as it will be the last Chew The Fat where you're allowed to smoke fags. It's great news for all health-conscious non-smokers, but bad news for all the punters at The End who will have to suffer the toxic fumes that pulse like electromagnetic frequencies from Paul Arnold's unexpurgated west country cheddar scented bxll-end. But whatever your taste in dairy products, there's no escaping the rotting cheese that will be blaring out of the speakers all night, or the 600 male Italian tourists looming over single women in a surly and sexually aggressive manner.

It also emerged this week that the cheesiest puff in dance music, DJ Tiesto, was threatened by terrorists and urged not to turn up to a gig in Beirut. We may not live in a warzone here in London, but we may have to resort to similar tactics if our line-ups are ever as offensive as tonight's barrel-load of unwanted detritus:

TONIGHT'S STAR GUESTS

Hook'n'Sling: another Castlemaine XXXX pxss-weak Australian breakbeat act that somehow recovered from the humiliation of ending up in Paul Arnold's rejected pile to reinvent himself as a pxss-weak electro house act.

At which point Fat swiftly took a huge interest in them and decided to release his mix CD. This is his album launch party but the cd has been delayed so spend your money on Unique 3's records which will be released this Monday instead: ignoring the fact that releasing Unique 3 is one of the most shameless acts of recycling in the jaded pantheon of sod-awful dance music. Ever.

Downloads - www.djdownload.com/fat
Vinyl - www.knowhowrecords.co.uk


Plus:

A load of old other tosh (see below).

Featuring:

Miss Max: As one of the Untouchables consigned to a life of servitude and poverty as an employee of Fat Records, Miss Max comes fresh from polishing off Paul Arnold's particulars in the office.

CHEW THE FAT! @ THE END

Friday 8th June

HOOK N SLING (Cr2) vs SLYDE (Finger Lickin)
MADOX (Mantra Breaks) vs MERKA (Fat!)
MICKY SLIM vs BROTHERS BUD (Finger Lickin)
PAUL TROUBLE ARNOLD vs KID BLUE
MISS MAX
JIMMY TROUTFINGERS
DJ PANCREATIC FLUID WITH MC BADGER

In the lounge:

Nice Up! present...
EDDIE TEMPLE MORRIS (Xfm)
BEATVANDALS (Bombstrikes/Insane Bangers)
FREEMAN, HARDY AND WILLIS
DJ KESTREL (Friends and Family/Nuff Rope Records)
SHEPDOG & KOMBINE
OILY AL'S SKIFFLE SEPTUPLETS

£12/£8 NUS; 10pm-6am
The End, 18 West Central Street, London, WC1A 1JJ

Info: 0207 924 1333 / www.thefatclub.com

Dress code: Trainers OK, hemp moccasins encouraged, however anyone wearing a checked shirt will suffer unprovoked grievous bodily harm at the hands of one of our steroid-crazed door-mongoloids.

/////////////////////////////// WIN the Fat... by being attractive ///////////////////////////////////

Are you young, nubile and attractive? Possibly with an ample bosom and a firm, peach-like bottom? Definitely female and under the age of 34? Then you may be in with a chance of winning one of 50 exclusive 30 min Hook'n'Sling promo only mix cds. Yes, we're trying to smash every sex discrimination regulation going with tonight's special promotion.

Simply turn up looking fine and keep your eye out for Paul Arnold desperately cruising the dancefloor, his face twisted in a snarl of barely suppressed sexual frenzy, who will award you your free CD, featuring 12 sterile electro house marching death-knells, perfect for working out, washing up or doing some sewing to.

///////////////////////// Chew The Fat! in Ibeefa ///////////////////////////////////////////////////

The responsible air traveller to Ibiza will of course offset their carbon emissions by spending 48 hours in a sweaty club paying 25 Euros for a glass of tap water and listening to some of mankind's most bone-brained ape-music.

Yes, Fat is back on the white island this summer, with guests including Tayo, The Rogue element, Baobinga, Hook n sling , Dom Kane, Unique 3, Blende - top Swedish producer, jds, Soul of Man, as well as a troupe of eunuchs that we'll be hiring in specially in the hope of recreating the atmosphere of Ancient Greece.

Check www.last.fm/label/fat! for all the Ibiza listings, downloads, mixes,
videos from the club, and photos of self-satisfied men spangled out of their truffle-sized brains on industrial-strength Iberian mong-meal.

Opening party 17th June Hook n Sling, Paul Trouble Arnold & Jem Precision Cuts
Closing party 30th Sept Tayo, Paul & Jem.

www.welove-music.com

////////////////////////////////// Chew The Fat! Festivals///////////////////////////

Chew the Fat! is is set to appear at some of the most instantly forgettable festivals of the summer. Here are three that you'll find it impossible not to avoid.

Wildchild Outside

Saturday 30th June

Arena 3 - Chew The Fat!

Plump DJs / Hybrid Live / Freq Nasty / Tayo / Paul Trouble Arnold / Rogue
Element & Tom Real / Soul Of Man / Jay Cunning / Kid Blue / Merka

11am till 10pm / perfect so i can be in bed by 12

Buy your tickets here: http://www.dance-tickets.net/wildchildoutside/eflyer/eflyer-wildchildoutside-fat.htm


Anti-World - The Weekend

Saturday 7th June

Hosted By Chew The Fat!
Music Style : Shxt
Prospects of enjoying yourself: nil

Pendulum DJ Set / The Freestylers / Drumattic Twins / Aquasky / BLIM / Madox / Paul Trouble Arnold / Kid Blue / Merka / Unique 3 / Kickflip / Andy D / DJ Smut / Terry Fxck-kins / Dave the Queer / Paul Arsxhole / The Artful Todger (LIVE PA) / Tabatha Crotchsack and The Cameltoes

Saturday Ticket £ 35 plus booking fee (£ 35 deposit and a litre of blood and spine tissue required to secure your prison cell)

Entry Saturday 07 July @ 10am
Leave Sunday 08 July @ 10am
Tickets Valid for Camping Saturday Night Only
Tickets will allow entry in ALL the stages
Life will never be the same again.

Buy your tickets NOW Here: https://www.antidote909.com/hsbc/details.cfm?item_code=ANT00298


//////////////////// END THE FAT (RESPONSIBLY) ///////////////////

Fat would like to request, in the name of the environment, that you do not under any circumstances print this email out. Unless you'd like to fashion the resulting printout into a crude approximation of a truncheon and shove it up DJ Tiesto's fat arsx (and save Al-Qaeda the trouble).

Happy recycling
Love The Fat Team

TO UNSUBSCRIBE IN AN ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY WAY, PLEASE DAUB YOURSELF IN RECYCLED FAECES FROM HEAD TO TOE AND TRAVEL BY FOOT OR PUSHBIKE TO OUR OFFICE, SET LIGHT TO YOURSELF IN THE FORECOURT AND THE RESULTING CARBON-NEUTRAL SHXTCLOUD WILL ALERT US TO YOUR WISH TO BE REMOVED FROM OUR MAILING LIST.