EIGHT THOUSAND DJS.
TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND MCS.
1 TRILLION K SOUNDSYSTEM.
KRYPTONITE FUELLED LASER LIGHTSHOW IMPORTED FROM MARS.

Yes, we're pulling out the stops for TroubleStock, a spectacular one-night festival of dance music larceny where we've booked every DJ on earth to play at The End this Wednesday. It's a veritable ‘who's who' of washed-up has-beens that Fat! have been desperate to book for years, coming together to raise money for our erstwhile leader Paul ‘Big Trouble' Arnold in his fight against leukaemia.

Now there's nothing funny about leukaemia, but the idea of trying to cram the egos of every DJ known to man (many of whom now refer to themselves as ‘breakbeat-driven electro house' DJs) into the tiny booths at The End certainly does raise a smile. It's going to be the dance music equivalent of Crufts, with all the arse-sniffing, tail biting and leg-cocking you could hope to wish for.

But it's all for a good cause, Fat fans. And if you've ever stood on a dancefloor monged out of your tiny beancake and coming up on your third Mogadishu to the crescendo of a Paul Arnold-spun breakbeat odyssey, then you owe it to him to drag your fat arse down there and show some love.

So read on, for a brief mid-week marketing guilt-trip and general reminder to the current musical bowel-excavations of Chew The Fat...

/////////// CHEW THE FAT! //////////

Chew The Fat & The End present Troublestock
Wednesday 9th April 2008

In The Main Room...

Plump Djs Vs Stanton Warriors
Krafty Kuts Vs Freestylers
Evil Nine Vs Elite Force
Atomic Hooligan Vs Soul Of Man
Tayo Vs Baobinga
Rennie Pilgrem Vs JDS
The Rogue Element Vs Tom Real
Kid Blue Vs Merka
Gary Wilmot Vs Jimmy Crankie
Accrington Stanley Vs Rushton and Diamonds

AKA...

James Zabiela Vs Nic Fanciulli
Paul Woolford Vs Yousef
The Cuban Brothers Live
Rob Da Bank Vs Phat Phil Cooper
Serge Santiago Vs Heidi
Will Saul Vs Jem Haynes
Frank Bruno Vs Mike Tyson

Lounge...

Speakerjunk Vs The Count Of Monte Cristal Vs Sinden
Kissy Sell Out Vs Loose Cannons
A Skillz Vs Dub Pistols Vs Drum Monkeys
Ali Tillett Vs Diesel Vs Toby Tobias
Predator Vs Alien

All advance tickets are now sold out. Limited tickets available on the door, arrive early to avoid dissapointment.

///////////// EASIEST COMPETITION EVER ///////////

With the charity angle in full swing, we're on even more of a mission to rinse every last penny out of your pockets this weekend. Get those forefingers working and enter our text competition, and without any questions to answer, it's the kind of competition that suits some of our more intellectually challenged fans.

All you need to do is send an overpriced text message, of which all proceeds go to Leukemia Research. You could win Bestival tickets, signed CDs from the DJs, T-Shirts, stickers and more. Text TROUBLE to 82882. Texts costs 50p.

//////// UPCOMING FAT EVENTS //////////

If you're unlucky enough to be stuck in Birmingham over the May Bank Holiday, then Fat is here for you.

Saturday 3rd May Chew The Fat! vs FINGER LICKIN @ Stupid Underground, Custard Factory, Birmingham, starring
Trevor Loveys, Vandal, 30Hz, Brothers Bud, Slyde, A-Skillz, Alex Perez, Get Carter, DJ Bumgrapes, MC Ham Sandwich and The Fallopian Twins (LIVE).

FESTIVALS:

After a gruelling weekend at one of the UK's most underwhelming festivals, what you need is a Sunday line-up that's chock-full of relentless breakbeat-driven-electro-house. And we at Fat! don't like to disappoint. The full line-up for the CTF tent @ Zoo8 festival, Sunday 6th July has been announced:

Switch, MSTRKRFT, Stanton Warriors, Evil Nine, Hannah Holland, Trevor Loveys, Baobinga & ID, Merka, Kid Blue, Small Fry and, er, that's about it.

///////// PODCAST //////////

Download the salty spume of CTF in March with our technologically advanced Podcasts - featuring interviews from Hannah Holland, Kid Blue, Tayo, and an eerie recording of a man suffering an anal prolapse. All available from iTunes.

////////// END THE FAT //////////

Remember, it's all for charity. So don't feel pressured to turn up. Really.

Love Fat x

TO UNSUBSCRIBE, DON'T TURN UP TONIGHT AND WE'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.