Once the season to be jolly is over, the feasting done and the fun well and truly had, it’s time for some serious, po-faced, nut-grating hardcore non-breakbeat related raving in a darkened basement to usher in the abject horror of another New Year. It’s the most fun you can have with your trousers on, and it’s happening right here at Chew The Fat!

This New Year at Fat! we’re going back to the old school, where we cut our teeth during the 1990s in the club formerly known as the Bug Bar, hidden away in the crypt of St Matthew’s Church in Brixton. So, as we descend the Staircase of Doom into the Cellar of Shame, we expect the memories will come flooding back in. Of a time when we were young, slim and attractive. When Paul Arnold played different records in consecutive weeks. When the beats were big, the drugs were strong and women didn’t turn away from us in horror. When you could buy 20 pink callies for a fiver and still have enough change left to get polished off by a toothless crack-whxre in a Coldharbour Lane alleyway before you went home a wept silently in your darkened bed-sit at the crushing misery of a kxtamine and sausage roll comedown.

After all that time, and all that we have learned some lessons. No more inserting chilled meat party snacks into rear orifices for a cheap thrill. No more mentioning the word breakbeat. No more loose women, cheap booze and king-sized venereal prawns building thriving communities in the dense jungles of our nether-regions.

But whatever you know, it’s time to unlearn it once more. Because now, for a mere £10, you can relive the glory of ten mis-spent years with a bumper line up of dogs’ dinner DJs as we bid goodbye to the last, liquidy stains of excrement that was 2007 and the massive, baby’s arm-sized turd of 2008 hoves into view.

So pucker-up, Fat! fans, and get ready to swallow.